WARNING! TMI....

If you are easily offended or do not like yucky stuff--read no further. This is about toddler poop.

There you have been warned.

Today, my title has officially changed from Mommy to Poop collector.

Emma Kate has had.....questionable diapers (I am trying to keep this PG) lately. Lots of questionable diapers. Which have, in turn, caused a hidious diaper rash. They have called me from school twice regarding the little red hiney and the screaming child it is attached to. Our Asthma/Allergist told us that this is probably a throw back to the gastrointestinal problems she had as a baby and is referring us BACK to our gastro doc. In the meantime, I had to do something about the sore hiney.

So, Sunday I took the hiney to the doctor. The doctor rambled a list of viruses or "normal" things it probably is. But, we all know that Emma Kate usually doesn't get "normal" (she gets that honest) so we needed to TEST, just to be sure. So the doc ran out and said, "I'll be back in a minute with the TEST."

"O.K.", I thought, "EK is gonna get pricked." That is never an issue for Emma Kate. She just looks at the needle and nurse like they just took her favorite toy--but usually no tears. I guess she was in so much pain as a bambino that now she has a pretty high tolerance for pain.

A minute later, the nurse walks in with the TEST. It is not a needle or a pricker-thingy. It is not a swab for her mouth or a urine receptacle. It is this.................

At first, I was confused. What are they going to gather? She has not pooped while we have been here??? Then, I slowly came through the fog as she explained what I did with the containers.

"With the little spoon, you will gather the poop and put it into the container. Make sure you get a good amount--to the top--and make sure it is a good sampling of every 'aspect' of the poop. You can scoop it directly from the diaper. Then close the lid and shake it up really well so that it mixes with the solution. These two can be left out at room temperature, this one needs to be refrigerated and taken to the hospital within two hours."

GREAT. Then, in true Emma Kate fashion, she, for the first time in weeks, does not poop for two days. She got stage fright. Finally, last night before Mikey T was going to give her a bath, I hear him yell "WE HAVE POOP---REPEAT WE HAVE POOP!!!"

I swear I suddenly heard the large sirens you hear in movies when there has been some sort of chemical spill----WRENEHHH----WRENEHHH-----WRENEHHH.

I (as per the directions---no seriously) scrubbed up like I was on the set of Grey's Anatomy. Anti-bacterial soap to my elbows. I prepared my "sterile zone" and retrieved the diaper. I will spare you any further details, but you get the picture.

I was only able to get enough for two receptacles--the un-refrigerated ones. Then, I had a semi-meltdown as to where to store little jars of toddler poop?? Is there a proper place??? In the bathroom?? But where? I finally settled on a hidden corner of the countertop, behind a picture frame??? I have never had to deal with poop storage before!

So, that was my night. And I get to do it again tonight. If you are not a parent, you are probably freaking out--totally disgusted and think I am insane for scooping poop. And hey, that is okay. I get it.

If you ARE a parent, you are probably thinking, "That sounds like the time I had to.......(enter gross action here)....."